You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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