I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
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Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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