this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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