Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
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Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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