I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
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I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
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I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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