So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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