Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
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also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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