I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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