Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
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Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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