I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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