It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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