then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
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She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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