Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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