Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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