My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
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Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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