Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
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She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
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So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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