Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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