It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize