The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
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When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
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Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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