Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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