Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
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Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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