It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
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we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
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Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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