dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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