Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Barsexuality is the new black.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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