Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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