im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
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Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
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LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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