talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
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Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize