god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize