chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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