He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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