Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
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I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
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The dick lei will go down in squad history
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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