I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
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I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
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all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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