thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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