The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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