oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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