The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
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i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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