I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
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After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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