Don't make out with my wife yet
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My balls are so social today.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
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Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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