Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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