My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You pole danced in your parka.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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