The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize