We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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