I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
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also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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