you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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