Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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