Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
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If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Sorry my hands just texted you
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I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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