Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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