I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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