Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
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I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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