Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
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DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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